When your brain gets hijacked
Understanding Addiction and Relapse
“I don't understand relapse. Won’t you just keep replacing old habits with new ones in order to make yourself happy?”
Recently, a friend asked me this innocent, little question. We had been talking about my relapse and the steps I’d taken towards renewed recovery in recent months. It was a good question, if not a totally loaded one. She wanted to know if I’m just going to end up substituting old addictions with something brand new and equally destructive.
I smiled, and I told her I appreciated her honesty and genuine concern. I knew it was coming from a good place. However, it made me realize, after explaining the importance of emotionally investing in a program like AA in order to prevent future relapses, that sometimes inside my bubble, I forget how other people who aren’t immersed in this world of recovery, simply don’t understand addiction. And that’s okay. I didn’t either up until I went to rehab.
Most days, I write for my community. The recovery community. I write for those that need inspiration and encouragement. But this conversation was a good reminder that occasionally I can speak to the other side as well, because it’s good to educate everyone in the room.
So, let’s talk about it. And while I’m at it, let’s just dispel some of these stereotypes and common myths as well.
What’s stopping me from relapsing all over again and replacing my addiction with a completely new behavior in order to “make myself happy?” This idea of filling a void in order to be content is a common misconception when it comes to addiction, but there is so much more to it than that. The simple explanation that one ‘wants to feel better’ is not why people continue abusing the substance or behavior. It’s not why we go back to the bottle. Or continue to gamble. Or engage for years in the obsessive habit of food restriction to force weight loss. Or why continually cutting feels like the only option.
Perhaps, it’s why some may seek out the drug or behavior in the first place, often at a young age, as a means of searching for relief. Our minds crave an escape from pain or sadness, and for many, alcohol is an easy solution. Often, these individuals lack the proper coping skills, but that isn't what keeps them coming back.
Myth: When I drank, I was happy.
No!👆🏻Quite the opposite. Despite what it may appear to be from the outside looking in, alcohol addiction is actually a scary, lonely place to be.👇🏻
Fact: Addiction is a compulsive act in which the person no longer has control over, causing pain/harm to that person and those close to them.
When I was in active addiction, I was out of control - lying, hiding and deceiving myself and others. There was no joy in that. “Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry… This is reflected in the individual pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. The addiction is characterized by impairment in behavioral control, craving, inability to consistently abstain, and diminished recognition of significant problems with one's behaviors and interpersonal relationships.” 1
I did not know how truly unhappy I was when I was trapped in my addiction, because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I endured a rollercoaster of emotions, but ultimately went back to drinking, believing happiness would ultimately be found at the bottom of the bottle.
To read more about my journey, please check out my book: On the Edge of Shattered or these essays:
I relapsed
Fitting in With the Cool Crowd
Myth: You can only be addicted to alcohol/drugs and nothing else.
This is completely false! 👆🏻Scientifically speaking, that’s just not how addiction works on the brain. See below for the truth.👇🏻
Fact: Addiction is both psychological and behavioral. It can manifest in many different ways.
I have talked a lot about the various types of addictions. Still, this confuses people. Addiction can be any type of dopamine driven substance, compulsion or behavior. According to The American Society of Addiction Medicine: “There are many types of addictions that range from substances to impulse control to behavioral. Addictions are characterized by craving, compulsion, an inability to stop using the drug and lifestyle dysfunction due to drug use.” 2
A person can be addicted to any substance, whether or not it’s legal, as well as any behavior the addict finds enjoyable. This is true, because all of these things release dopamine in the brain.
Click here for a full list of addiction disorders.3
Myth: Addicts are fully aware of what they are doing and can choose to stop at anytime.
Ah yes, 👆🏻 the most naive and uneducated perspective of all - the choice model. The idea that the addict chooses to destroy his/her life. This could not be more stigmatizing and ill-informed. See the real truth👇🏻
Fact: Addiction is NOT a choice.
Addiction occurs when the reward system in the brain is altered, and this does not happen by choice.
“The process of addiction is set in motion automatically, by the brain’s response to a behavior repeated often enough because it is reinforced by the very pleasurable—but, alas, short-lasting—reward of dopamine surge. What starts out as a voluntary choice gets quickly encoded in the neural circuity and relegated to automatic processes that leave little room for conscious control.” 4
It’s important to understand that for the majority of my life, I was never choosing to do the things I did. And for many years - drinking actually didn’t make me happy. The destructive choices I continued to make pushed me further into a downward spiral, but I couldn’t find a way out. Succumbing to my alcohol addiction brought me some relief at times, but the pain was still so great inside my mind. That is how the disease can be tricky and cunning.
I experienced maybe twenty minutes of elation or relaxation after that first glass of 5pm nightly wine, because that was my brain releasing dopamine. This chemical is linked with pleasure, and during this rather fleeting state of euphoria, I felt joyful, relaxed and confident while making dinner. As I fed the kids and myself, I settled into the meal with a second glass of wine. But my judgment was quickly impaired, and all semblance of reason went out the window by 6pm as I poured my third. By jacking up dopamine levels in my brain, alcohol tricked me into thinking that it was actually making me feel good. Around 7:30pm, I would get the kids to bed and settle into the couch for some alone time in front of the T.V. with another glass, and then fast forward to the bottle and a half later by 9pm, I wasn’t feeling so good.
A person addicted to a substance acts because they cannot control. They behave the way they do because of the problem at hand - their brain is telling them they need whatever it is to feel good. Maybe they don’t even want to drink anymore, but they can’t help themselves. They do it anyway - often saying,
“I’ll quit for good tomorrow.”
“Next time, I’ll stop at just one glass.”
“This will be the last time I get this drunk.”
“I’m going to start to moderate my drinking, beginning next weekend.”
After a period of time, I had no choice with how much I consumed or how often I drank. I drank because my body was dependent on the release of dopamine. The reward system inside my brain was permanently altered, and I drank because I was addicted.
Myth: Alcoholics never follow through with their promises to stop, because they want to screw over everyone they love and are innately selfish assholes.
People actually believe this 👆🏻 but, no, here’s the truth 👇🏻
Fact: For those that are addicted to any kind of substance or behavior, their brains become hijacked.
Alcohol directly affects brain chemistry by altering the levels of neurotransmitters — the chemical messengers that transmit the signals throughout the body that control thought processes and behavior. The effect is that you keep drinking to get more dopamine release, but at the same time you’re altering other brain chemicals that are enhancing feelings of depression. Alcohol affects the neurotransmitter GABA, which increases sedation - it essentially does the same thing to your brain as a Xanax.5
Soon after, the dopamine levels drop and you crave that high again - so you keep on drinking, searching for the rush. But what ends up happening? You just wind up drinking more and more, and then you get super drunk instead. (Remember my nightly wine ritual then ended with me drunk on the couch by 9pm?) My brain became used to the dopamine boosts it was getting from alcohol, and it started making less dopamine to compensate for what it was getting from the substance. I had become dopamine deficient and didn’t know how to experience feeling good on my own, without alcohol. The only way I could feel happy was by feeding my addiction.
So now fast forward to today… I am sober. I’m feeling good. My brains dopamine levels have returned to normal and I’m able to experience pleasure and joy again from normal, regular life experiences - like riding bikes with my children. Or take a walk with my husband. I no longer need to find joy through substances.
So, when my friend asked me, “won’t you just replace alcohol with something else?”
I take a deep breath.
It’s a really good question and something people shouldn't take lightly. I was white knuckling my sobriety for the past few years, and I didn’t understand the science of addiction. I wasn’t doing the work that I needed to be doing on myself. I didn’t know what was required to prevent other forms of behavioral relapse. I didn’t know that addiction manifested in other forms, besides drugs and alcohol. I wasn’t taking a daily inventory, going to daily meetings, praying or working with a sponsor.
Committing to a program that has me focusing on myself and my emotional sobriety is crucial. By living each day in a mindful, present state, AA is providing me with the tools and structure for personal growth as well as a soft place to land when things get rough.
Feel free to read more about my journey in AA:
Who Do I resent?
What If Someone Recognizes Me?
Your Turn!
Questions for you, please comment below! I would love to hear from you!
Have you received any tricky questions from friends regarding your sobriety?
What other myths would you want to discuss?
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/drug-addiction/symptoms-causes/syc-20365112
https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/how-an-addicted-brain-works
Good morning Kim, thank you so much for this tutorial on “when your brain gets hijacked“. It is educational and so sound an explanation on a subject that I have not really fully understood very well. You did a great job of dealing with the myths and the misrepresentations as well as the reality of what’s occurring with addiction.
What a scary thought to think that the brain can take over your entire thought process.
Thank you so much for your Writing today.
Dad 👌
It’s definitely complicated. Drinking greatly exacerbated my depression so I’m not saying that it’s a cure by any means. My comment was to highlight that it’s not black and white and certainly not a moral issue.