Who I don’t want to be

A discovery

“I have found that the process of discovering who I really am begins with knowing who I really don't want to be.”

This is a well-known AA saying, one that I keep coming back to again and again, especially after this past week.

Discovering my true identity is a journey that starts with introspection and self-awareness. It's about recognizing and shedding the masks I once wore, the roles I played, and the expectations I tried to fulfill. By acknowledging the aspects of myself that I no longer want to embody, I have begun to create space for authenticity and growth.

This has not been an easy process though.

My family and I just came back from a trip to Jamaica with the kids. I was reflecting back on the whole experience this morning, and I realized that the week brought a series of delightful and unexpected personal discoveries.

Over four years of being alcohol free, I definitely don’t have it all figured out, and I’m forever learning. At the same time, I'm continually surprised by my growing ability to manage my reactions to things that once overwhelmed me and to approach them with more gentleness.

In Jamaica, we stayed at an all-inclusive resort. For a sober person, this can be daunting. And at one point in time, in the early days of not drinking, I certainly would have struggled with the concept. I said to my husband that five or ten years ago, I would have been in heaven with the all you can drink booze, everyday for seven days.

At this particular resort, there were multiple swim up bars, eleven restaurants and servers bringing drinks to the beach by 10AM. I probably would have died of alcohol poisoning by the end of this vacation, had I been drinking. But thankfully, that’s a thing of the past. It wasn’t even a thought this time around. Not even a temptation.

Instead, I was pleasantly content to sip my “wata,” as they call it in Jamaica, read my book and relax under an umbrella, until my children had me off and running to our next activity.

By 2020, alcohol consumed my thoughts and totally controlled me. The only way I could have enjoyed the sun, sand, and ocean back in those days, was if I was intoxicated. I felt overwhelmed by drinking - where will I get my next cocktail? Will my husband be annoyed if I start this early? Is he counting my drinks?

The alcohol would momentarily pull me away from myself. It would drag me out of the moment. I believed it was the ultimate feeling of relaxation - sipping a cold one under the sun, but I was wrong. I was anesthetizing. Numbing. Detaching. Disengaging from myself, as a wife and mother.

And on all those vacations over the years, the ones spent sipping mojitos at the pool bar, I was never fully present, but instead I was lost in a world that was my own.

Once I stopped drinking, however, there was still an incessant need to escape my thoughts. It was as if there was a buzzing sensation that pulsed throughout my limbs. A ringing in my brain, keeping me from fully exploring or seeing things clearly. I felt unsettled. Agitated. And this was such an uncomfortable feeling, which worried me. And I didn’t know how to deal with it all. So I compared myself to everyone, and I thought about my friends. Why was I still so messed up? Why couldn’t I be like other sober people? Why couldn’t I just be grateful and happy?

It’s taken a long time to figure this all out.

In Jamaica, I realized that buzzing had subsided. I’d stopped running. I was no longer struggling to keep up with this invisible force. I was no longer hiding. Hating myself. Or flailing, trying to be comfortable in a skin that wasn’t mine. There wasn’t this ever present cloud hanging over me of wanting more. The unrest had died down.

For the first time in a long time, I could sit still - alone in my thoughts, and I felt okay. I felt safe, with myself. I was aware of my surroundings and conscious of being present. I was able to stay in the moment - soaking in the experiences of each day.

And I was content through it all.

Each day, I willingly participated in the activities with my kids, instead of reluctantly dragging myself out of my beach chair. I went snorkeling and water skiing. I did some kayaking and paddle boarding. And everyday I slid down the water slides and floated around the lazy river, feeling grateful for it all.

There were times in the past when I used to wonder why. Why me? Why can’t I have more fun? Why can’t I drink like a normal person? Why did I let it get so bad that I had to quit at all?

In the past year, I’ve struggled with a lot of shame and disappointment. I’ve felt sad, alone and angry.

I was once so totally consumed by self-pity, allowing these feelings of self-loathing to destroy any chance of living in the moment and experiencing any type of joy. I was bitter and full of resentment, and this behavior only made me further disappointed in myself.

But because of some great people and a program that works, I’ve come a long way. And this past week, I’m grateful that I was able to participate, instead of watching everyone else have fun and wondering if I’ll ever enjoy myself again.

The concept of acceptance and the issue of self-pity are frequent topics of discussion within the rooms of AA. Gratitude for sobriety marks a significant turning point in the journey of every recovering addict. Once our outlook begins to change, and we start to experience emotions other than anger and shame, something inside us begins to shift. When we begin to forgive and let go of our resentment, things feel lighter. Some may call it working the program. Others refer to it as a spiritual awakening.

I saw this as a crossing over, and it’s when I began the process of self-forgiveness.

This transformation allowed me to move past self-criticism and judgment, and with that came a deep compassion for myself.

It was so much more than a change in thought—it was a heart-centered shift that allowed me to rewrite my own story, building a relationship with myself that's now full of love and acceptance. Letting go of self-criticism opened up space for healing and growth.

I’ve been through a great deal of ups and downs in the past several years of sobriety, and my journey to rediscover who I am means learning to be mindful and aware of my emotions. Being in Jamaica, I was reminded of this, and with each new experience, I recognize how it's a never-ending process of looking inward and allowing growth to happen.

This process of self-discovery involves questioning my beliefs, values, and behaviors. It requires me to confront my fears, insecurities, and limitations. And as I peel away the layers of conditioning and societal expectations, I begin to discover my authentic self.

As we say within the walls of AA, by being aware of who we once were and letting go of who we don't want to be, we open ourselves up to the possibilities of who we truly are and who we can become.

On the last day, I ordered a Bob Marley - which was a strawberry daiquiri, pina colada and mango smoothie. Yeah, mon! 🇯🇲

Tell me about your sober vacation experiences…