Navigating the Judgment
And seeing the truth in others
Welcome to all the new subscribers that have joined this community! I am truly so grateful and deeply touched that you have chosen to be here. I hope that my words will continue to resonate with you, perhaps sparking new ideas, offering comfort, or simply providing a moment of connection in our busy lives.
This past week, I was overwhelmed by the response to my piece on Glennon Doyle’s departure from Substack, and it was great to see my words reach a much wider audience than normal.
Usually, I write about recovery, alcoholism and my own personal experiences with sobriety. I always explore what I’m feeling on a somewhat intimate level, and I don’t ever shy away from vulnerable topics.
When I write though, I always write for the ‘me’ from five years ago - the woman who felt stuck, lost and alone - at the end of her drinking days. I write to inspire the mom who snuck sips of vodka before getting in the car with her husband and three kids to pick out the Christmas tree at 9AM on Thanksgiving Day weekend in 2020. That next morning, I quit drinking alcohol for good. And even though that day feels like a very long time ago when I think back on it now, I will never forget about the person I was back then. I can’t. And that’s why I’m here. I write to pull other people up from the darkness that I once knew all too well.
This picture was taken one very hungover morning, many years ago. This is me holding my oldest son, Brayden. He’s about 7 in this picture. He’s 14.5 now. My other son took it without me realizing it, as I was sending all my kids off to school on the bus. I was full of self-loathing and disgust. I could barely function. And like most days back then - I felt lost and alone. I was drowning, and the pain was written all over my face.
Last week, I delved into some common themes that are often discussed within the rooms of recovery, but I related it to a much broader issue. It turns out, Glennon’s abrupt retreat from this platform was somewhat of a hot-button topic for the Substack world, sparking considerable discussion.
It didn’t occur to me in that moment that my words would resonate with so many beyond my little bubble, as I was simply expressing what was on my mind and in my heart.
But there is one concept that I’ve come to understand quite well, and that’s this:
The feeling of being judged is a universal one, and it often ties into a deeper fear of not belonging as well as a fundamental desire for acceptance.
Like I mentioned last week, as a mom, I place a huge emphasis on showing compassion to others, particularly because of the things I’ve been through in the past few years of my recovery. My kids and I talk about this subject quite a bit.
Unfortunately, last winter, I saw first hand how feelings of judgment can impact one’s sense of self-worth and belonging. I found myself in a situation where a community of people, fueled by heightened emotions and a perceived commonality, acted in a way that almost destroyed me, and I was excluded to the point of complete ostracism. It not only hurt me, but it impacted my family in a very traumatic way.
My experience is one that exemplified the critical lack of empathy and understanding in a frighteningly cruel and uncertain world.
Fortunately, I’ve come a long way in the past eighteen months.
However, I firmly believe that no matter what we have done, who we are or the mistakes we make - every single person is vulnerable to the pain of judgment - including celebrities and public figures.
We all deserve compassion, despite these choices and mistakes, and we are all worthy of grace. We should each be able to move forward with our lives and live without the constant fear of rejection.
Unfortunately, societal pressure makes it easy to judge others. Social norms allow us to feel justified in creating distance and turning our backs on friends as a way to protect oneself. We isolate people as a form of condemnation. We tiptoe backwards out of the room to save ourselves from becoming the next victim of the same judgement, scrutiny and mean-spiritedness that we perpetuate with our own actions.
It's a tall order to be genuinely open, curious and empathetic towards others, when society tells us how we should see things or whether something is considered acceptable or not.
But consider this idea - it takes a certain amount of strength to swim against the current. And it calls for a high level of bravery to stand up to a crowd.
Resisting the temptation to judge people requires a deliberate practice of self-awareness, forcing us to recognize our own biases and rethink how we usually do things.
Compassion allows for tolerance and understanding. When we can be curious about others we start to focus on our own integrity, and we learn how to be generous rather than critical.
For me, cultivating compassion isn’t a hopeful aspiration anymore; because of what I’ve been through, it now serves as a fundamental pillar of my existence and a crucial tool for navigating my ongoing journey of recovery.
As someone actively engaged in the process of healing and growth, developing compassion for myself has become a necessity. It provides a lens through which I can learn more about my own struggles with greater tenderness and acceptance.
And by extending compassion outward to other people I can move in the direction of forgiveness. I can let go of the pain I’ve held onto for way too long. At the same time, I can now form new friendships and meaningful connections with other likeminded individuals in recovery, because there is a sense of shared humanity, reminding me that I am not alone in facing these harsh challenges. All of this is crucial in maintaining a steadiness in my sobriety.
We tell our children: ‘be kind to others.’ After a while, it begins to feel like a throwaway line. And maybe it starts to fall on deaf ears - to them and to us.
But for me, showing compassion to others and myself is real. It’s not just a word to toss around. It’s not childish or insignificant.
Being able to express compassion is courageous.
It’s the difference between speaking up or going silent… Between bravely taking a stand or giving in to the critics… Between sticking by someone or quietly walking away…
“Compassion is not a virtue -- it is a commitment. It's not something we have or don't have -- it's something we choose to practice.” - Brene Brown
The desire for belonging, isolation and how societal pressures shape people’s judgment of others are some of the foundational themes in the novel that I’m currently working on. Stay tuned for more on all of this…
Thank you for exploring this topic further. Judgment is everywhere, including in ourselves. I spent so many years trying to combat my own judgmental streaks, lodged in my own perfectionism/judgment of myself. I felt guilty practicing self-compassion. But then I realized it's not a gift only to myself but to all those around me. Self-compassion really does lead to compassion for others, as you say. Those who hurt, hurt others. Those who care for themselves, are better equipped to care for others.
This article is touching and insightful and brave. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. Your growth through your own trauma has led you to offer great insights to the rest of us. Thank you!