Fighting and Forgiveness

The conversation I keep having with my daughter

Some feelings don’t show up as words first.

I sat down to write some thoughts after my morning meeting earlier and the words just wouldn’t come. My ideas were stuck. I didn’t know how to articulate what I was feeling, maybe partly because I was feeling so many things at once.

So instead, I went to my painting room and this emerged.

It’s funny how when I feel the need to express myself, creativity finds a way out in one form or another. Even if it’s not my best work, my feelings still make their way through me. And afterward, I always feel better. Today, I think it loosened something in me, because I found myself back at the laptop again.

It’s not that I felt icky after my meeting. It was the opposite. I actually felt amazing. That’s usually how it is. I experience a kind of buzz after gathering with other women who just get me. But today’s meeting in particular hit me for a number of reasons.

The topic was forgiveness.

It’s such an important one, because it’s a concept I’ve been working with for a long time. It’s also something I’ve been talking about with my daughter recently, as she navigates the drama of the tween girl world.

Eleven- and twelve-year-old girls can be quite passive-aggressive and even manipulative. I’ve been working on teaching my daughter how to hold her head high when others do things like tolerate her instead of welcoming her into the conversation.

She’s dealing with girls who exclude her on purpose and whisper about her but deny it. They include her around adults but ignore her when it’s just kids, talk about inside jokes to make her feel left out and save seats for only certain girls. And don’t even get me started on the text and Facetime side of it all!

My husband and I have talked a lot about how to help her through these tough moments. We can’t shield her from them, but we can teach her how to move through certain situations and come out stronger on the other side.

Part of that is learning compassion and forgiveness.

It’s understanding that eleven-year-old girls are still figuring out who they are. At this age, the need to feel included and secure can sometimes lead to exclusion, gossip, or cruelty. I’ve told my daughter that mean-girl behavior often comes from insecurity. Girls want to put others dow to make themselves feel better. It’s more about what’s going on inside of them.

The most important thing is for her to continue trying to be kind to everyone, to hold her head high and to stay strong. And when she messes up, to own it and admit when she’s wrong, too. That’s a tough one!

Forgiving others and asking for forgiveness takes courage in very different ways.

Allowing forgiveness is not the same as pretending nothing happened. I’ve been able to forgive others for the hurt they’ve caused me, whether they realize it or not, because I know it releases a bitterness that has lived inside me for too long. Forgiveness, for me, is a gift I give myself. I can choose to forgive and let go of the hold someone else’s pain has had on me. Easier said than done, of course. This is hard enough for adults, let alone a kid.

Asking my friends and loved ones for forgiveness when I’ve made mistakes has also been an important step for me. But changing the way I act is what truly matters. It’s showing up differently over time and proving through my actions that I am committed to living honestly and doing better.

The hardest person I’ve had to forgive is myself. Living with my mistakes, learning to show myself compassion, and letting go of shame has been one of the hardest parts of sobriety.

So as I sit here trying to tell my daughter all of these things, I realize I still need to learn how to listen to my own advice.