Chasing the Finish Line

Or just live my damn life

Recently, I heard a friend say that she felt envious of people who first quit drinking, because there is so much excitement in early sobriety. Others might hear this and think it’s a crazy thing to say - especially if you’re someone who has recently given up alcohol.

I certainly paused when I heard this. However, after giving it some thought, I can see where my friend is coming from.

Quitting can be exciting! Particularly if you’re someone who was on the fence for a long time. There’s a unique pride in those early days of sobriety, and a certain thrill felt when one first puts down the bottle.

It’s been almost five years since I stopped drinking.

Remembering back to 2020, it was a rollercoaster of emotions, but there was nothing like the exhilaration of finally having energy again. I rediscovered my creativity that had been gone for many years, and I started writing. I found real purpose.

I began to see myself and others with fresh clarity.

I started to feel. Oh, the rawness of feeling… Every. Single. Emotion.

There were wonderful changes I experienced as a mother that felt like tiny miracles. Almost as if everything I did with my children, I was doing for the first time all over again - holidays, birthdays, vacations. And I started to experience a level of joy I never thought possible for myself.

How quickly I forgot the mind-numbing pain of the early days of sobriety though. The debilitating cravings. The shame that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning. The fear that kept me from leaving my house. The loneliness when friends stopped calling.

It’s like childbirth. I easily remember the good parts and work to forget the painful bits.

But unlike having a baby, I know enough that I don’t want to go back to drinking. That’s why I go to meetings and listen to others talk about their stories of recovery. I surround myself with like-minded individuals who understand the path I’m on. Because no matter how much “fun” it was to surf that pink cloud the first year, I certainly don’t ever want to go back to a life of drinking. And I never hope to experience another hangover again!

Now that the chaos of early sobriety has settled and the noise isn’t so loud these days, I sometimes wonder if there is an end point to this thing. As the clarity I’ve worked so hard for fades in and out and the pride that once powered me through my day feels like it’s gone quiet, I wonder if that’s normal. Am I okay? Are others feeling this too?

There are no more massive milestones to chase. No more firsts to conquer. Just the quiet task of being me. Living my life.

I once believed the ultimate goal was to reach a “there.” To get to the perfect, final version of myself, free from concerns about alcohol, shame, or what other people thought of me. However, I’m now realizing that “there” doesn’t exist. There’s only “here.” I’m learning that I just need to be in this present moment, this continuously ever evolving version of myself who persistently shows up. The me that is willing to keep trying.

And maybe that’s the point.

To stop chasing the finish line and start learning how to live inside this space.

To find peace and ease here, today… Even as I endure the excruciating wait for news from literary agents. 🙃 I have to keep moving through the middle.

Now Your Turn!

Are you new to sobriety surfing that pink cloud?

Or are you just being you, learning to live “here” today?